This letter was written by a young bochur, formerly one of the top boys in his class, who passed it to his maggid shiur in a well-known, reputable yeshiva.

To my esteemed manahel and maggidei shiur, shlit”a.

Yes I know that the maggid shiur and the manahel are not satisfied with my learning, my davening, or my overall conduct. I also know that I used to be better. I have fallen very far lately in my learning and my davening.

And I feel that the time has come to speak out about it.

Until not long ago I always loved to learn; I enjoyed davening; I felt good about myself; and my father and my mother baruch Hashem had a lot of nachas from me.

But that ended recently. It was the most bitter day of my life when I discovered my mother's phone.

I'm ashamed to say it but I am no longer who I used to be. I have lost my desire for anything related to kedushah. I don't have the patience to sit over a gemara and by the time we reach Az Yashir, I am already bursting with frustration from the long davening.

The images I saw there won't leave me alone. They drive me crazy wherever I go. When I have a rough day I come home from yeshiva and can hardly wait to be able to take that phone once again.

But during my better moments I just want to smash the monster that destroyed my life. At night as I lie in bed I often break down crying. I shudder when I think of who I might grow up to be. I long for the brighter days when I was so pure and full of kedushah.

But the damage unfortunately has already been done…

Sincerely, a bochur with tears and with much pain and shame.